We are not in Kansas any more.

 I finally started a day out right today. I got up and went to the gym. It took every part of me to get there. I think my social anxiety was getting to me. I start worrying before I even get there if I have to share a lane or if there will be too many people swimming. I almost went into tears as I entered into the locker room. I should not be like this, I have been at this pool a million times. As I got to the pool there was only one other person in the pool. Then the " it is gonna be cold" starts with me. I finally get in to the end of the pool, I picked the last lane so if a ton of people come no one will ask for the last lane. I swim and think you have not  been here in a week so get as much time in as you can. I figured after reading that article on the pull buoy I should try to not use it as long as possible. So I did 2000 yards and then I decided I should focus on my stroke some and start using it. I ended my swim with 3000 yards. Longest swim I have done in a long time and so happy I did. I need to do at least two of these a week (3 would be best). I felt like I had my training mind back on track. I felt great. That is until 1/2 way into my bike ride tonight after work.

I decided that because there was a storm coming from the south I should go a little further north and start my ride there. I only wanted an hour ride anyway. I had to take care of some things with the kids. So I went to the park. I could see lots of clouds but no rain. I got my bike together and took off as fast as I could so I could get back before the storm. I went out with what I thought was the wind in my face. I did some intervals that everyone keeps telling me will help with speed. Then I got to my turn around point and thought ahh the wind will be at my back. Well, I was horribly wrong. All I could feel was the wind all over me and thinking I may just be lifted up and taken into a tornado. I keep envisioning the witch from the wizard of oz on her bike. I had no phone on me and I was at least 30 min away, if not more with this increased wind I was facing.  I gave in to the fear and just kept moving forward. I started to think you know there could be winds like this on any race. I tried to not let the wind get the better of me and tried to push myself as much as I could. I figured it was great practice. It made me reflect as I trudge on.

I reflected on the reason for my problems lately. Fear........ it is all about fear. Fear of failure, fear of not getting stronger, fear of not getting faster. What I found was there was nothing to fear. I enjoy what I do and if I don't then that is when it needs to stop. I like to feel sore, I like to hurt. It means I am grown and becoming stronger. When and if I ever sit back and just relax that is when I will stop racing. But at this point I still have the driver and desire so push on. Sometimes I need to be pushed, just like I did this morning at the pool and just like the winds did to me on the bike.  So for now I train.